Getting a Laugh Out of Menopause

Submitted by Connie G.

The wife's birthday was coming up and she kept dropping hints to her husband that she wanted something small and fast. Something that would go from 0-200 in seconds! On the day of her birthday, her husband handed her a square, somewhat flat box. "How clever" she thought, "he's put the keys in the box." She ripped it open and there was a bathroom scale!

Submitted by Susan E.

Question: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: One! ONLY ONE! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

Submitted by J. M.

I live in New Orleans. After Katrina and Rita, looters were on a rampage. Although most residents had no way to protect their homes and property, hundreds of signs stating "You Loot, We Shoot" were seen all over the city. In a moment of levity (that we badly needed!) someone painted a sign on his damaged home stating:

IF YOU ARE THINKING OF STEALING FROM THIS PROPERTY, REMEMBER THIS: My Wife has an axe! AND she is going through MENOPAUSE!

Submitted by Linda B.

There is a large sign hanging in my gynecologist's waiting room: "If men were the ones who had menopause, there would be estrogen in the water supply."

Submitted by Holly H.

An older woman from Florida did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The woman, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she couldn.t get her key into the ignition; for the same reason, she didn.t understand why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat!

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale teenagers were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, older woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

Submitted by Tara M.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.